Dear mother nature,
Could we get some normal weather around here please? It’s the first day of November and it’s the high is eighty-five degrees. I don’t know how you control the weather but if the world revolves around me as I suspect, you must have forgotten that I don’t live in Florida anymore so it’s time to turn my temperature down. For me eighty-five is unpleasant in the summer but here we are in the midst of fall and you and I both know this is completely unacceptable. If I’d screwed up my job this badly I would surely have been fired by now. Can you be fired mother nature? I’ll have to bring it up to God next time we speak and see if I can get him to pull some strings. I wish there was a logical explanation of why this is happening, like maybe this record setting hot weather has something to do with global warming. Unfortunately I know that’s not the case because all of my republican friends say that doesn’t exist, so that leaves the blame lying squarely on your shoulders.
I’m sorry to have threatened you with losing your job but I’m just not sure how else to get through to you. Twenty-six years of living in America has taught me that intimidation is the most effective and most common practice in order to get my way, and I’m really sick of this hot weather. Remember a few weeks ago when you so kindly set the thermostat in the fifties and on my day off work no less? I’m sorry for not taking the time to properly write and thank you for that but I really did appreciate it. I didn’t waste the day like I’m sure lesser people in my shoes would have, but rather I went to the zoo and walked around looking at the animals and breathing in the cool autumn air. You did what needed to be done to hook me, have my happiness tied into the weather, and then you took away the cool air and replaced it with the horrible sun.
What you did, mother nature, can best be illustrated in the following story. A young woman and her son went to Walmart once a week. The boy was always very excited about the trip to the store while the mom only did it to get the kid to shut up for another week. It was a few weeks until Christmas and the woman had been making payments every week on a bicycle that young Jeremy had picked out. Layaway had shattered his belief in Santa but still he was excited and grateful that his mom was getting him the bicycle he so desperately wanted. When the day came for the final payment, mother and son strode to the back of the store one last time. Little Jeremy jumped up and down as his brand new bicycle was wheeled out from the back and he couldn’t contain himself as he gave his mom a big hug and continued to thank her. He begged her to let him ride the bike out of the store to the car and she had said “whatever”, thrilling her son without putting forth any effort. Jeremy had a blast even though it had only been a short ride to the car and couldn’t wait to get home and ride some more before it got dark out. On the way home they stopped at a pawn shop and his mom pawned his new bike.
That is what you’ve done to me mother nature. You gave me something that my heart desired more than anything in the world and then you took it away from me after having only been able to enjoy it for a very short time. You pawned my weather and it’s not clear to me if you will be responsible enough to get it back. I’m very disappointed in you which we all now is worse than being angry, but if anger will better prove my point then by all means track me down and I’ll give you an earful that you won’t soon forget. How can you find me? I’ll be the one sweating profusely as I walk to my car in November. Thanks a lot.