Taking Advantage of the Time Change

In less than twenty-four hours daylight savings time ends, marking this one of my favorite days of the year. The time change generally brings cooler, winter weather, a general air of excitement about the upcoming holidays, and my personal favorite, darkness. There’s something that just makes me happy about driving home from work in the dark and it only being 5:30. Early tomorrow morning at 2 a.m. the time magically goes back an hour and becomes 1, a gift from father time in the form of a whole extra hour tomorrow, and what you do with that time is very important. Let me be clear right from the start, while we do get an extra hour, it isn’t like a do-over that replaces the previous hour. That being said, if you commit a string of crimes from 1 to 2 tomorrow morning and then one the clock goes back to one you expect for everything to be forgotten, you will be in for quite the reality check along with some prison time.

It’s unfortunate but I bet most of the country will use the extra hour to sleep. How responsible. That’s like getting some money for your birthday and sticking it straight into your savings account. Live a little people! Don’t waste the gift of time sleeping. In fact, if you are unsure what you can possibly do between the hours of 1 and 2 tomorrow morning I have compiled some suggestions for you. Before you do anything else on my list it would be helpful to first of all, when the clock strikes 1 for the second time, call everyone in your phone and get their lazy butts out of bed. You would be doing them a huge favor by not allowing them to waste time and they will be really grateful that you, a true friend, had their best interests at heart. It’s probable that they’ll want to thank you in a monumental way like taking you out to dinner or giving you their first born child, and while it’s perfectly okay to accept these gifts of gratitude, just remember that you aren’t doing this for the personal benefits, but you are selflessly calling people at 1 in the morning as a service to them.

I don’t know where you live, but if you live in an apartment complex like mine, there are squirrels everywhere! They’re always running around and climbing trees and generally creeping everyone out and while they deserve to die, up until this point I haven’t had the time to shoot them yet. That sounds like a task for the early morning hours when the tree rats won’t see me coming. I’m sure my neighbors will be extremely appreciative that I would take the time out of my extra hour to shoot squirrels from my balcony in the middle of the apartment complex.

It’s a well known fact that on the day that daylight savings time ends, the suicide rate increases dramatically, and more people kill themselves on that day than any other day of the year. It’s a national tragedy and Obama and the yuppies up in Washington don’t seem to care, or want to do anything about it. Most people who struggle with depression have trouble making it through a twenty-four hour day without feeling the crushing despair but when you add another hour into the mix, all hell breaks loose, and tragically a lot of people don’t make it through to Monday. Why are you telling me this horrible statistic that is completely legitimate and not made up at all? Well my friend the theme of the extra hour so far has been giving back and helping others and I want to continue in that thinking. So for an hour, early tomorrow morning, go to Walmart and seek out people that if you looked like, you would be tempted to kill yourself and try to console them. Look for ugly people and lie to them about how much they have to live for, It will do wonders for your self esteem, knowing that you are responsible for saving possibly dozens of lives.

A lot of people are unhappy with their lives and struggle with depression and for those people I have a solution too that will prove to be a good use of the extra hour tomorrow. I have discovered a foolproof method to getting a better life and because I’m such a nice person I’ll share it with you. Tomorrow morning at 1 all you have to do is go to the worst, most dangerous neighborhood in your city. Take a video camera and film all of the illegal activities going on; the drugs, robberies, shootings, everything. Then, and this is key, make sure those doing the illegal activities know that you filmed them and are on your way to the police station now and will testify against them in court. The police will be very thankful that you put yourself at personal risk to get the evidence they needed to put these scumbags away and as a way of saying thank you and also out of necessity they will put you in a witness protection program. There’s that new life you’ve always wanted. You’re welcome.

I hope this list has been helpful and you are able to fill your extra hour with a productive and helpful activity. Whether you decide to shoot your gun in the middle of an apartment complex to help with the squirrel problem or film a drug dealer angrily shooting someone in the knee, just know that you are a great person and everyone else should strive to be like you. Whatever it is you decide to do, just don’t waste the gift of time you are receiving by sleeping through the extra hour.


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