Check Yourself


I don’t know if it’s because of the recent presidential election or what, but lately I’ve been thinking about things I would do if I were president. I’d just thought about little changes I would make here or there, but then something happened to me last night that cemented in my mind the issue that would get me to the white house. Last night on the way home from work I had to stop at the grocery store to pick up a couple of things, two items to be exact. I went in and knowing exactly where they were located I got them quickly and was all set to be in and out of Walmart in less than five minutes and then it happened. As I made my way towards the self checkout lanes a woman appeared in front of me, as if from nowhere, with a shopping cart full of groceries. We were only a few feet away from the line so I didn’t have time to pass her, but I wasn’t concerned because I was sure she would veer left and continue on towards the other registers with professional cashiers who were properly educated and equipped on how to quickly scan such a large quantity of groceries. Of course she didn’t do the right thing, but instead stopped right in front of me, in line for the self checkout, and I couldn’t believe it.

Frustration and anger overcame me as I stood behind this idiot with my two items debating on whether or not I should say something to her. I’m generally too cowardly to say the things that I’m thinking out loud, especially to strangers and last night was no different, though that’s not to say that I don’t regret keeping silent. I was so overcome with sheer disbelief at the brazen selfishness of this woman that if I had gotten up the courage to tap her on the shoulder and tell her what I thought, all that would’ve come out of my mouth was incoherent babbling that she wouldn’t have understood any way. I stood there watching her for a few minutes as she took up one of the precious registers as I waited for another to open. This could have been one of the nicest people in the world but as I watched her scanning her items, I hated her.

So there you have it, if I’m president you have my word that my number one priority will be to set a limit on the number of items you and buy in the self checkout line, and give employees of each store full authority to humiliate those who think they’re above the law by yelling at them about being stupid and unable to count, before kicking them out of line. It’s sad that such a law must be created because you would think that basic human decency would tell people that if you have more than ten items then you should go to an actual cashier and not waste everyone else’s time. I didn’t stick around for her whole performance of ignorance last night, but I’m assuming she ran into some problems down the stretch. The bagging area is pretty small, not intended for people to place an entire month’s supply of groceries in that space. If you don’t put your items you scan there immediately then the system freaks out and assumes something fishy is going on, and freezes until it records that weight in the bagging area. She clearly had way more groceries than there was space to put them, so I’m interested to know how she handled that. No I’m not, actually, nothing about her interests me. My only solace is that perhaps she over bagged the groceries from lack of experience and as she walked to her car, the bottom of every single bag gave out and her food fell to the ground where it was immediately run over by a car, and that she was out of money so couldn’t buy anything else to eat, so she went home and sat in the dark, clenching her empty stomach in agony and thinking about how selfish she’d been at the store to use the self checkout. Don’t be like this horribly inconsiderate woman, exercise restraint at the self checkout by only using them if you have ten items or less.


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