We are officially one day away from Thanksgiving, and me being the generous and charitable person that I am decided to compile a list of advice that will allow you to make the most of the holiday tomorrow. This is my list of Top Ten Turkey day Tips, and while I’m sharing it with you for free and don’t expect anything in return, it would be inappropriate and in bad taste for you not to thank me the day before Thanksgiving, so I’ll put a link to my amazon wish list below. Here we go.
10. It’s better to have overcooked poultry than undercooked, so to be safe leave the turkey in the oven for an extra hour. It might turn out super dry but it’s your number one job to be a responsible host or hostess, besides that’s what the ketchup is for. Your friends and family will thank you for putting their well being above the quality of the meal.
9. If the dinner conversation starts to lull, bring up the recent presidential election and ask everyone who they voted for. Nothing says “the holidays are here” like people slamming doors and angrily going home early.
8. Take your plate of food to a quiet room and watch the football game alone. You don’t need your holiday ruined by someone making disparaging comments about your favorite football team, which is what Thanksgiving is really about anyway.
7. If you feel annoyed with your family at any point during the day, remember that Thursday is a day to be thankful. Give thanks that you only have to eat with these idiots once a year.
6. Remember to have a plunger handy in case your idiot uncle decides to once again bring a taco twelve pack as his contribution to the meal. You don’t need a repeat of last year.
5. Before your guests leave, make sure to collect money from each of them to cover the cost of the meal. If they’re being reluctant or stingy, call them out on it. Your brutal honesty will be greatly appreciated and your performance as host will be talked about for years to come.
4. If any kids complain about the meal or get too loud, take them aside and tell them that Santa Claus isn’t real. If they’re going to ruin your holiday it’s only fair that you ruin theirs.
3. Offer to take your in-laws black Friday shopping. This will score you major points with the spouse, plus there’s the possibility that one of them gets trampled going into Walmart.
2. Leave all the dishes piled up in the sink for grandma to wash. It’s one of the few hobbies she has left and she will enjoy it so much that you won’t feel guilty about not getting her a Christmas gift. Most people would rather be given experiences than material things anyway.
1. Make snide remarks about how much other people are eating. This will make them feel self conscious about their weight and in turn deter them from getting another plate of food. More leftovers for you!