Festivus has finally arrived and with it comes one of my favorite holiday traditions, the airing of grievances. Originally intended as a chance to speak your mind about how your family has disappointed you and let you down, the airing of grievances has evolved into a practice that now encompasses anything that upsets you, and allows us a safe place to get them off our chest, so please bare with me throughout this wonderful process. What the heck happened to butterfinger bb’s? They were the best candy in the world, those little, round balls of butterfinger, a favorite of mine at concession stands and gas stations alike, but then all of a sudden they just disappeared, vanished into thin air like shock tarts, a terrible disappointment that I’m certainly not okay with. Moving on. The other day I was driving behind this idiot in a Nissan Rogue with a “baby on board” sticker attached to the back window, and my blood really started to boil as I watched the SUV zooming carelessly through traffic. If we are supposed to drive more carefully because of your “baby on board”, then you should too, you moron!
Another thing that really annoys me is the fact that it’s so hard for new TV shows to make it past pilot season now. There were two shows last year that I actually watched on television, not netflix or hulu but on actual cable tv, “The Grinder”, and “Grandfathered”, and they both got cancelled. It’s not like they were the best shows I’ve ever seen, but I dutifully tuned in every week to watch them, hoping to find a new favorite TV show, since most of my current favorites have been off the air for years. I can’t even tell you how many failed Matthew Perry sitcoms I’ve watched, actually enjoyed, only to have them cancelled after eight episodes. It’s kind of ridiculous that John Stamos, Rob Lowe, and Matthew Perry, can’t keep a sitcom. If big name stars like that can’t draw an audience, what chance does anyone else have? Something else I can’t stand is that electronic head pounding “music” that is so popular today. It physically makes me ill, gives me stomach pains when I hear that awful repetitive beating, accompanied by an “artist” talking about how hard their life is because their girlfriend forgot that his favorite kind of gum was spearmint, not peppermint, and had actually bought him the wrong flavor so now they were breaking up forever. I hate it. Justin Bieber, Pill in Ibiza Guy, Skrillex, should all be banished not just from the music world, but from the actual world, where we’ve all suffered enough at the hands of their noise.
The last grievance I want to air today is aimed at the idiots who make and hand out balloon animals in public places. You’re corrupting the youth of America by allowing them to believe that balloons are okay and that carrying them around in society is an acceptable practice, when in fact it is not! I don’t know how many times I’ve sat staring at you, loathing your very existence, wishing diseases and misery upon you and your family because you get a kick out of twisting balloons into unnatural, ready to pop shapes, and handing them out to irresponsible kids who take great joy in banging them against everything they see, making a loud pop inevitable. It’s making me mad just to think about. How have people this stupid survived for so long?
That does it for my grievances this year. I feel that I have aired enough of them to hold me over for at least one more year, but in the off chance that I have something I need to get off my chest, I’ve heard that blogging daily is a good outlet for that, so maybe I’ll give it a try. I hope you all have a good holiday, in less of course you’re a balloon animal maker, a destroyer of all things good, in which case I hope someone in your family tells you what a disappointment you are and ruins your christmas. If any of you are wondering about your gifts this year, I decided to take a different, perhaps more noble, charitable approach. A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund. Happy Festivus everyone!