My Wife Poisoned Me

This morning I woke up sick. The first thing I did, when I woke up at 6:08, thirty-seven minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off, was go to the bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Is that too vile of an image? At least I’m kind enough not to tell you the color or consistency of my vomit, so you’re welcome. I absolutely hate being sick, but I knew, in my condition it would be irresponsible to go to work and possibly inflict my coworkers with whatever I had so I began the process of letting someone at the bank know that I would not be coming in today. It was early in the morning and I didn’t want to risk waking up my boss with a phone call so I sent a text message explaining my absence while leaving out the more graphic parts of the whole ordeal. She didn’t text back so at 6:45 I went onto the company website and found the phone number listed for the assistant manager and sent her a similar message. By 7:45, fifteen minutes before I was supposed to be at work, I tried calling the bank, which was stupid on my part since nobody would be there yet, but I was desperate to let somebody know that I was sick, so as not to tarnish my reputation. When nobody answered I sent the assistant manager an email, the last resort, and went back to sleep after throwing up one more time.

About 8:15 I received a call from my supervisor who wanted to know if I was okay because nobody had heard from me. I would have called her earlier but she was taking the day off so I opted not to worry her with my problem out of respect for the almighty vacation day. I told her I was sick and she told gave me the phone number for the assistant manager. Apparently the number I found online earlier was outdated, a number that she no longer had, so I said I’d call the new number as soon as I got off the phone with my supervisor, which I did. I explained, once again, that I was sick and couldn’t come to work, and she wished me the best before hanging up. I scheduled a doctors appointment for 10:30, went in, and found out I had a mild case of food poisoning, probably from the meatball sub my wife made for me at the beginning of the week that I didn’t eat until yesterday at lunch. Apparently meat has an expiration date. Who knew? Probably every other person in the world except for me. Today was a miserable day that I spent on the couch, napping and watching a redox movie that I rented, “The Girl on the Train.” If I’m being completely honest I’d have to say that being sick was preferable to watching that movie. It was terrible. It had a great concept but the story wasn’t all that enthralling so if you haven’t subjected yourself to that abuse yet, I would strongly advise against it. Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow so I can go see “La la Land” with my dad. I’d hate for “The Girl on the Train” to be the only movie I see this weekend.

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