My Deep Thoughts

Lighthouses are surprisingly heavy, not that I’ve tried to lift one, but some things you can tell just by looking at them. Sea horses are way lamer than land horses. Grasshoppers aren’t confined to the grass. I saw one in my house the other day. If someone in Paris is sentenced to the electric chair french fries. You can still get a divorce even if your marriage license is signed in permanent marker. Treehouses aren’t just for kids, there for anyone whose home is made out of wood. Sleeping pills don’t actually sleep, they just fill the space in a bottle and slide down the throat of someone who is awake. Boom-box isn’t an accurate description of a stereo unless of course it’s filled with dynamite. It’s ironic when you meet a person with alopecia named Harry. I’d have to say my favorite traffic jam is strawberry, although it’s probably my favorite jam regardless of the situation I’m in. People who cross their heart and hope to die should really do so with a knife unless they’re just lying.

If you’re crazy about chocolate then you are a cocoa nut. Astronauts are really the only people who should be on dancing with the stars. Sting rays should be put to death if they sting anyone who isn’t named Ray. If you have crayons, any book can become a coloring book. People who misuse the word literally are literally baboons. People with no money can’t buy lottery tickets, however they’re the one’s who could benefit from it the most. Let’s be honest, Burger King was dethroned years ago. If you have to write an essay about toilet paper, chance are it will be pretty crappy. Why would someone steal a loaf of bread to feed their family? If you’re going to risk going to jail you need to aim higher, like steak or hot pockets.

I’ve always looked up to people who were taller than me. I absolutely hate when smell is taken away from something! Thanks for indulging my de-odor rant. Fireworks sound like the name a caveman came up with. I guess boom boom shooters was already trademarked. Perseverance is a quality that I keep trying to attain. Mental hospitals have the craziest parties. Horses never vote in favor of anything. No job in America has had more cutbacks than mohels. Tree roots are immature. They never grow up. Prison guards would make good dentists given all of their experience doing cavity searches. One thing I can’t stand is intolerance. A good way to lose twenty-five pounds is going to a casino in London. I’m quite proud of how conceited I’ve become. Deep sea fishing would be a very relaxing way to dispose of a body. Studies show that smoking is the single worst thing you can do for your health, but I feel like suicide has got to be up there. My aspirations for my first apartment were pretty lofty. Fall is appropriately named because of all the elderly folks who slip on the fallen leaves.

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