I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the real meaning of christmas and I must admit that I myself have become so wrapped up in the commercialization of it all that I’ve forgotten the true cause for celebration on December the 25th, and if I had to venture a guess, I’d say that I’m not the only one. I mean his name is right there in the holiday title, Christ, yet over the years we’ve turned the birthday of Jesus into a holiday where we selfishly spend time with our families, swapping gifts and stories, rather than at church worshipping the birthday boy. In an effort to get back on track with the true meaning of the day, I’ve been thinking about what birthday gift I can give to Jesus this year and redeem myself for the twenty plus years of not getting him anything.
How old is Jesus now? He’s got to be getting up there in age, an important factor to consider when figuring out what to get him for his birthday. For instance, I would be thrilled to get a brand new macbook computer, but he, like many elderly people, might not be able to figure out how to use modern technology and get frustrated pretty easily, something we don’t want given his ultimate power to destroy the earth and everything. What about a good pair of binoculars? If his eyesight is anything like my grandpa’s I know he’s struggling to see the faces of all the sinners here on earth, making it much harder to identify who he thinks deserves to be tortured and burned for eternity. Maybe he would like the complete box set of “I Love Lucy”, but then again he might find Lucille Ball as annoying and repulsive as the rest of us, given that we’re created in his image and all that.
I wonder if a hover board would come across as disbelieving? I mean he did walk on water so is it safe to assume that he can glide through the clouds as well? I saw a Lexus commercial the other day and that seemed like the luxurious type of vehicle that the savior of the world deserves to drive, but I just don’t know if I’m willing to commit several years worth of paychecks on a car that isn’t even for me. Surely he can understand that. When someone is particularly hard to shop for, I tend to take the easy way out and get them a gift card, but I’m not even sure if they have Olive Garden in heaven, or if that particular location would be very good any way. The quality of food at the Olive Garden seems to vary from franchise to franchise and I would feel just horrible if my gift card spawned a terrible dining experience for the son of God. That would probably be an automatic ticket to hell, I would imagine. Maybe I’ll get him a framed copy of “Footprints in the Sand” just in case this annoying poem in which he is featured hasn’t made its way through the pearly gates yet.
Perhaps Jesus just wants to be like his dad, and it that case the Sims video game would be the perfect gift for him. But then again we run into the age thing and the fact that he might not know how to work a computer game, which as we all know would in turn lead to frustration and the destruction of the earth, blah blah blah. Maybe I could search through the biblical archives and put together a highlight reel of his best miracles and have Scott Van Pelt count them down on the late night edition of Sports Center. Unfortunately, I don’t know SVP, plus there’s a chance that Jesus will be out celebrating his birthday and will miss the late night Sports Center and thus have no idea of the special gift I’d assembled for him. Like “The Calzone” episode of Seinfeld helped me realize, it’s not really worth giving something if the recipient doesn’t see and acknowledge that you gave the gift, or in the case of Seinfeld, a tip. I guess I’ll have to settle for one of those shaving sets that are on the front table of every department store for the inadequate gift giver like me. I’m sure it won’t be the perfect gift, but I’ll sing extra loud in church on Sunday in an attempt to bring him at least a little joy on his birthday.