One Reason I’m Opposed to World War 3

As much as I would hate it, it almost seems inevitable that there will be a World War 3, given the egos and irrationality possessed by both presidents of North Korea and the United States of America, and when this happens, it will likely affect me in a very negative way. I have always been opposed to war, but when I turned eighteen, against my beliefs I registered for the selective service, not because I feel the need to defend my country, but rather because it’s the law, and I would much rather take my chances on the slim possibility that a draft is implemented rather than behind bars where my proclivity for sarcasm and eye rolling would likely turn me into the prison punching bag. So at eighteen years old I did what was required of me by law, and I thought that I would never have to think about it again, but then eight years later I started working at Fedex and my chances of getting drafted doubled.

Back when I first registered for the selective service I had a different last name than I do now, so when I began working at Fedex and had to prove that I had in fact registered, I procured all of the necessary paperwork to show that I had changed my name and was still the same person, already registered. I signed some papers and waited in an uncomfortable chair while someone behind a desk typed relentlessly on her keyboard and before I knew it she handed me a paper saying that I had been registered for the selective service, for the second time, which means now if a draft does happen, my social security number is in the system twice, seemingly making it twice as likely that I get selected, and for those of you that know me at all, it is abundantly clear that I’m not at all suited for war.

Can you imagine someone like me on the battlefield defending our country? I have a great respect for the men and women who do that, but I would make a terrible soldier. Let’s just set aside the fact that I’m out of shape, my infinite fears would render me completely useless on the battlefield. When I worked at a grocery store and my job included blowing up balloons for children I would break out in a heavy sweat and start to feel dizzy as I inflated the balloons, afraid that the balloon would pop. When I go to NBA basketball games I wait outside the arena, outside of earshot of the fireworks that go off before the game because I’m terrified of loud noises. Now imagine me surrounded by gunfire, dropping my weapon to the ground, freeing both hands so that I can use them for the more pressing task of covering my ears in hopes of stifling the loud sounds all around me. With the ceaseless shots all around me, chances are I would be willing to take a bullet just to make it stop, so clearly being drafted would not be beneficial to me or the well being of our country. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that because clearly I’m not cut out to be a soldier.

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Summer is the Worst

IMG_3980If Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, it’s a safe assumption that summer, its polar opposite, is the worst. I absolutely hate summer, but believe it or not, there are actually some people out there who love it, and while I’m not here to judge, there is little doubt in my mind that those people are insane. I can somewhat understand this thinking if you are a student, and see the summer as a much needed break from school, but even then, I can remember growing tired of the summer fairly quickly, always ready for school to start back again, not because I liked school, but because it signified the beginning of the best months of the year. I know there are some people that think every day is important and a gift to be cherished, but for me, once the vacation is over, I would be perfectly fine fast forwarding the next two months of my life, regaining consciousness once September begins.

Think about all the good things that happen once September arrives. Football starts, which is unarguably the greatest sport we have to watch. Today I went over to my dad’s house for lunch and we watched the NFL Redzone replay of week sixteen last year while we ate. I delighted in watching Antonio Gates score on a short touchdown against the Browns, because one of the great things about football is being able to watch with interest a game that happened seven months ago. The next event of interest, primarily my own, is my birthday. I’m one of the people who likes their birthday, because again, it marks the start to the greatest time of the year, but I can see why other people might not be all that excited about September 4th, so feel free to disregard this point altogether. Moving on.

Once October gets here, the leaves begin to change and the air begins to cool and their is just an unidentifiable quality that brings me copious amounts of happiness every day when I step outside in the morning and the world just smells like fall, whereas now when I step outside and a wave of heat punches me in the face, I’m already mad at the world by the time I get to my car with beads of sweat gathering on my forehead. I really hate summer. So once fall gets here, Halloween follows soon after, a holiday that I don’t really celebrate much as an adult, but a day nonetheless that acts as a milestone on the journey towards Christmas, which really is the greatest time of the year. Less than a month later comes Thanksgiving, a holiday that combines my two favorite things in life, eating a lot of food and watching football. By this time the happiness comes on a daily basis, each morning a crisp new beginning full of hope, these feeling only growing more intense as December rolls on.

Finally Christmas arrives and it is a great time spent with family, enjoying all of the traditions that I’ve practiced for a lifetime that make the day so special. By now it is cold outside, and I’m the happiest person in the world, enjoying the simplicity of sitting around a table, playing board games with my brothers, while laughter fills the air. There is nothing like this in the summer time. Summer vacations are great and full of good memories, but once they are over, they’re over, there is nothing left lingering to carry over into your daily routines, but in the fall and winter, there is just something magical about the way those days make me feel, where I look forward to leaving the house every day, feelings that summer just can’t bring to me. I guess what I’m really trying to say is this; vote Kendall Curtis for president in 2028 and I will do everything in my power to ban summer, the worst time of the year.

Check Yourself

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I don’t know if it’s because of the recent presidential election or what, but lately I’ve been thinking about things I would do if I were president. I’d just thought about little changes I would make here or there, but then something happened to me last night that cemented in my mind the issue that would get me to the white house. Last night on the way home from work I had to stop at the grocery store to pick up a couple of things, two items to be exact. I went in and knowing exactly where they were located I got them quickly and was all set to be in and out of Walmart in less than five minutes and then it happened. As I made my way towards the self checkout lanes a woman appeared in front of me, as if from nowhere, with a shopping cart full of groceries. We were only a few feet away from the line so I didn’t have time to pass her, but I wasn’t concerned because I was sure she would veer left and continue on towards the other registers with professional cashiers who were properly educated and equipped on how to quickly scan such a large quantity of groceries. Of course she didn’t do the right thing, but instead stopped right in front of me, in line for the self checkout, and I couldn’t believe it.

Frustration and anger overcame me as I stood behind this idiot with my two items debating on whether or not I should say something to her. I’m generally too cowardly to say the things that I’m thinking out loud, especially to strangers and last night was no different, though that’s not to say that I don’t regret keeping silent. I was so overcome with sheer disbelief at the brazen selfishness of this woman that if I had gotten up the courage to tap her on the shoulder and tell her what I thought, all that would’ve come out of my mouth was incoherent babbling that she wouldn’t have understood any way. I stood there watching her for a few minutes as she took up one of the precious registers as I waited for another to open. This could have been one of the nicest people in the world but as I watched her scanning her items, I hated her.

So there you have it, if I’m president you have my word that my number one priority will be to set a limit on the number of items you and buy in the self checkout line, and give employees of each store full authority to humiliate those who think they’re above the law by yelling at them about being stupid and unable to count, before kicking them out of line. It’s sad that such a law must be created because you would think that basic human decency would tell people that if you have more than ten items then you should go to an actual cashier and not waste everyone else’s time. I didn’t stick around for her whole performance of ignorance last night, but I’m assuming she ran into some problems down the stretch. The bagging area is pretty small, not intended for people to place an entire month’s supply of groceries in that space. If you don’t put your items you scan there immediately then the system freaks out and assumes something fishy is going on, and freezes until it records that weight in the bagging area. She clearly had way more groceries than there was space to put them, so I’m interested to know how she handled that. No I’m not, actually, nothing about her interests me. My only solace is that perhaps she over bagged the groceries from lack of experience and as she walked to her car, the bottom of every single bag gave out and her food fell to the ground where it was immediately run over by a car, and that she was out of money so couldn’t buy anything else to eat, so she went home and sat in the dark, clenching her empty stomach in agony and thinking about how selfish she’d been at the store to use the self checkout. Don’t be like this horribly inconsiderate woman, exercise restraint at the self checkout by only using them if you have ten items or less.

Letter to the President

Dear Mr. Trump,
Congratulations on becoming the new president elect of the United States. As the election results started to come in last night I had an involuntary, goofy smile on my face, not because I was pleased with the results, but because I thought it was pretty funny, like a joke we can look back on and laugh about before reality sets in. I was sure that once more votes were counted, the candidate that I was in favor of would take the lead and never look back, becoming the first female president of the United States, but as we all know now, that didn’t happen. As the votes kept being announced, and I realized that it was really happening, the smile left my face and didn’t return for the rest of the night. It’s still not there this morning but I’m sure at some point it will return along with my peace of mind. I’m not mad that you won the presidency, but I am incredibly concerned. Most people criticize the president for NOT doing what he promised to do in his campaign, but I’m worried that you WILL do the some of the extreme things you promised.

I truly hope that your tactics on the campaign trail, were just that, tactics, used somehow to your advantage to win the presidency, and not how you actually feel about Muslims, Mexicans, and Women. I hope now that you are in public office, the most public office, that you will tone down your rhetoric and show yourself to be more even keeled and pragmatic than I believe you to be at this time. I’m worried that you are going to run your mouth off angrily about something and piss of another country and start a war, here at home. I know you don’t care what other people think about you and feel that you deserve to say whatever you want but please tread cautiously and keep the people you govern in mind and keep us safe.

I see a lot of people on social media saying that they’re leaving the country now that your president, and while it seems to be a tempting option, I’m going to stay right here. I respect and believe in our election process and while I did not vote for you, millions of people did, so they must have seen something in you that I failed to notice. I trust that those who elected you knew what they were doing and wouldn’t have willingly voted for a monster, so I can take some comfort in that. It’s important to see things from the perspective of others and while I woke up with a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, others are celebrating your victory. In order to accept this reality and move on I’m going to stop judging you on what I’ve heard you say or seen you do in the past and allow you to start in my mind with a clean slate so to speak. Right now, Mr. Trump you have my support and I really hope the gut feeling I have about you is wrong.

Sincerely,
Kendall Curtis

Please Vote for my Wife

I have a pretty big favor to ask of you today. Could you possibly go vote for my wife, as she will be unable to do so today. She, like me, registered to vote a couple of months ago but didn’t realize she needed a Tennessee drivers license until we both showed up and tried to vote early with only our Tennessee voters registration. My wife is a very hard worker and has worked every single day of the week, since she found out that she needed a new drivers license to vote, almost three weeks ago. She started a second job and for the past two weeks has had training Monday through Friday from 9 in the morning until 5:30 in the afternoon. This week, starting yesterday she was supposed to start working the 12:30 to 9 pm shift but since last week their training instructor was out sick, they had to be trained two days this week, Monday and Tuesday from 9 to 5:30, meaning that my wife literally doesn’t have an opportunity to go and get a drivers license which she needs to vote. She literally hasn’t had the opportunity to do so since she found out that she needed it.

She was going to vote for Hillary Clinton and would really appreciate it if you could help her out by making up for her missed vote. I realize Hillary isn’t the most popular candidate but my wife was going to vote for her because of the nasty things Donald Trump has said about her and members of her family. My wife is offended that someone would say the horrible things he did about assaulting women and the fact that Donald Trump called Mexicans, who came to the country illegally, rapists and criminals. My wife’s parents were both born in Mexico and they didn’t have the greatest lives, living in poverty. It’s not their fault that they were born into that situation, so why should they have to accept that depressing scenario as their way of life? They took matters into their own hands and came to America in search of the American dream, the same way all of our ancestors did at some point in time from various places in the world.

My wife’s parents are hard workers, her dad like my wife works two jobs and rarely takes time off work. He obtained his green card many years ago and eventually became a naturalized United States citizen. The truth is that if he had tried to do it the “right way,” before coming to the country, he never would have been allowed to come here. To my knowledge neither of my wife’s parents have committed crimes of any kind, and that includes speeding tickets. These aren’t the people we should be afraid of or trying to keep out of the country. These are nice, hard working people who did what was necessary to improve their quality of life, something each of us strive to do on a daily basis. These are kindhearted people who I guarantee you would invite Donald Trump in for a hot meal if he showed up outside their door hungry, which is more than I would do for him.

My wife was born in California, a United States citizen, with all of the same rights that you and I have. Her parents worked hard, risked a lot, and struggled so they could give her that amazing gift. Unfortunately, like I already said, she won’t be able to vote today. There’s nothing she can do, but I’m hoping that some of you can help her out and vote for her. Make sure my wife’s voice is heard and the gift her parents worked so hard to give her wasn’t in vain. Do my wife a favor and vote for Hillary.

Breaking News: Donald Trump Doesn’t Want Your Vote

trump-idiotLast night at a klan rally, sorry political rally, in Reno, Nevada, Donald Trump was rushed off stage as a disturbance broke out in the crowd. The disturbance started because a man was holding up a sign that said “Republicans against Trump” and the people around him who love the constitution so much when it comes to their guns, forgot about everyone’s right to freedom of speech and started booing the man who was holding the sign and even tried to rip it away from him. This caused a bit of a struggle in the crowd and there was talk that this man could have weapons (which he didn’t) and so the secret service rushed the presidential candidate off stage in order to protect him against potential harm. This was shocking, but not nearly as shocking as what Donald Trump had to say when he got back on stage.

He walked to the microphone and looked at the crowd meekly before clearing his throat and addressing his supporters. “I don’t want to be your president.” A collective gasp escaped from the crowd as everyone stood staring at the man they’d been brainwashed to support and share ignorant and untrue Facebook posts making his opponent seem like the worst person in the world, and now he was saying it was all for nothing. They’d lost friends and the respect of countless people and family members for a man who no longer wanted to be the president. As the speech wore on he spouted off some of the reasons for the decision, including just minutes before having to be rushed off stage by the secret service. It apparently frightened him, not because of the potential danger around him, but because he was afraid as he crouched and scurried off stage that his hair would fly off and the truth about his toupee would be exposed.

Trump admitted that he had announced that he was going to be running for president as a joke and much to his satisfaction got a lot of laughs from some of his higher powered friends. He was intoxicated by the feeling of finally being the funny man in the room, especially after his lame attempt at making people laugh in his comedy central roast, so he kept pretending he was running for president and everyone kept laughing. Pretty soon though, the laughter stopped and he was in too deep to stop the “Trump Train.” Donald admitted that once it stopped amusing his friends, he was bored of the idea altogether and was ready to move on but because he’d scammed so many hard working people into giving him donations his advisors told him he couldn’t just drop out of the race, now that he was in the lead.

A tear trickled down the old man’s face as he blubbered something about wanting his old life back. He told the crowd in Nevada how he’d tried everything he could think of to lose popularity so he wouldn’t get elected. He tried saying horrible things about multiple different races to no avail, he said unspeakable things about women, and released a tape from years ago proving what a monster he was. He admitted that he made that tape as a last resort, to be released only if he was ever in a position where he needed to lose the public’s support. He was sure it would work this time but it seemed to just increase the ignorance of his supporters as they thought of every excuse possible to justify his unjustifiable words and behaviors. As he looked out across the crowd who were speechless, hanging on to every word as Donald Trump revealed the truth behind his campaign, he urged them to vote. “Tuesday you need to go out and vote” he said ripping his campaign sign in half, “but please don’t vote for me.”
Cheers broke out as the crowd realized that they were free of the worst candidate in the history of the presidential election. Although these people had been raised to always vote Republican, their candidate was specifically telling them not to vote for him so a relief swept over them at being given permission to vote for someone else. Although the people of Reno, Nevada know the truth now, a lot of Americans still haven’t heard about it because the conservative media is trying to rig the election. Be sure to share this so everyone can know the truth and vote accordingly on Tuesday.

P.S. I figured it would be fun to add my own blog to the heaping pile of untrue articles that idiots are circulating around social media.

License to Vote

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Today is my day off work and I got up an hour earlier than usual. No, I’m not taking my fictional boat out on the mighty Mississippi river to spend the day fishing and making memories as I watch the beautiful sunrise, but rather I’m going to one of my least favorite places in the world. I have to go to the DMV, the department of motor vehicles, or hell, this morning and I’m the furthest thing from happy about it right now. The first time I went, I’d been waiting for more than an hour so I decided to come back the following morning with all of the same paperwork necessary to get my Tennessee driver’s license. The next day I waited in line for a little while and then was told that I didn’t have the proper proof of address and even though the it was the same piece of mail that was perfectly fine the day before, the unpleasant employee with the attitude was not letting it fly that day. I was forced to return to the DMV in September. My license plate was set to expire and I needed to switch my plate from Florida to Tennessee. I got up early that day, before they opened, trying to beat the crowd, but unfortunately the entire population of Memphis had that same idea. So, once again I waited in a long line. I figured since I had to wait in the line anyway I might as well slaughter two doves with one rock so I would get my new drivers license as well as my new license plate. That would have been way too simple, so when I got to the counter at the front of the line I was told that these two tasks couldn’t be completed in the same building. What an idiot I was expecting to do two things everyone with a car has to do, at the department of motor vehicles. Choosing not to wait I decided to get my license another time and drive across town to get my tags, and this morning as I sit here tiredly writing this, that decision has come back to bite me.

Why is it so important that I get my drivers license today? It’s not like my Florida ID is about to expire or anything, I’ve still got five years, but I can’t vote unless I have a state issued ID, something I’d found out by waiting in yet another line, this time at the Methodist church that had early voting. So here I am, less than a week away from the presidential election and being forced to go get a new driver’s license. I’m going early because I don’t want to spend multiple hours on my day off work standing in line and am choosing to do my waiting before they unlock the doors rather than after. Once I get my new ID with my killer mustache in the photo I’m going to go cast my vote early. I just want to point out how ridiculous it is that I was able to register to vote in Tennessee with a Florida driver’s license but I couldn’t use it to actually vote. It’s a good thing I tried voting early because otherwise I would have had no idea about my license predicament, and would have shown up on election day only to have my birthright taken away because the stupid law of which I wasn’t aware. Wish me luck as I embark on this morning full of waiting in line, and say a little prayer that I don’t get fed up with the system and sprint out of the DMV and leap from the sidewalk into oncoming traffic. While that is a long shot and very unlikely to happen, just like Donald Trump being elected president, let’s say a prayer asking for prevention, just in case.